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19/06/04 - 09:55
half a life
so. and so. we're sitting in a shitty club at 2 a.m. it's full of ugly geeks I don't know. the music's terrible. S is on about his fifteenth beer. at 3.75 a bottle. despite us being poor as sin. and. i don't know. i think...is this it? is this all i'm going to get? is this what i'm signed up for? sitting in shitty clubs. watching S drink. he doesn't have anything else. he's 30. he's intelligent. yet somehow, his entire life consists of going to work, making dinner, watching porn and getting drunk with his friends. i asked him what his hobbies were once. he just looked at me. and so i had a lil' freakout. which is. granted. not the most mature of reactions. but fuck, i've been under a lot of pressure here. and at that moment, i was thinking...if i could undo it all. if i could be back at home at that moment, with my stuff and my room and my bed and my family, i would have done. so i start to lose it. S, score one good point for him (first of the evening), asks me what's wrong. and so i tell him, at club-shouting-volume and a little incoherently, but hey, the gist came across. and so we leave. S has no money, of course. he spent it all on beer. he borrows his share of the taxi ride from his friends. and so we wind up at home. and i tell him all this stuff. i tell him...work, food, alcohol isn't a life. i ask him where he sees himself in another thirty years. S interrupts this conversation to go to the bathroom and throw up. none of this is going across. i don't even know if S is capable of thinking in the long term, really. it's all about where the next weekend's cash is coming from. and so he tells me, this is me. i love you, but you have to decide if you want to be with me or not. is that right? is it? i don't know. i mean, i work hard. i try hard. i make an effort to make this whole thing work. i think about his feelings every fucking day and i try and do what i can to help him out. but from what he does, and what he says, he doesn't acknowledge that. or even understand it. and he certainly won't do the same himself. since i got back here... i got tagged on to his schedule. i follow him round like a little performing puppy, meeting HIS friends at HIS places doing HIS stuff. which mostly involves drinking until you fall over. he wants a boyfriend who gets tacked on the end of his life to make him feel better when there's nothing else around, and he doesn't seem to understand that there's anything wrong with that. he won't make changes, he won't compromise, he doesn't seem to make any attempt at all to take my desires into account (beyond "well, you can always go do something else"). he calls me a baby because i cry. well, sure, i do, especially when i'm under pressure and someone i love lets me down. but. he won't, really really won't, have an adult conversation with me. he sees every discussion as a swordfight, he wants to win a point, and if he (in his mind) "loses", he says "fine" and goes off in a huff. he doesn't seem to understand at all that i'm not trying to beat him in some game. i'm trying to build a relationship. i'm trying to lay some groundwork to help us out. no. doesn't see it at all. i mean, my god, in a way, it's sad. S is sharp and witty and demanding and very intelligent. and i'm sitting in front of the shelf of stuff he saw fit to bring here from home. two chick lit books, cigarettes, trashy chinese movies, and porn. a whole shelf of porn. i asked him. doesn't he ever feel like he's wasting something? i wonder if he's ever even bothered trying to read something of any lasting value. or watch a movie that's not a romantic comedy or something Hollywood with explosions. or go to the theatre (actually, I know that one, he hasn't). or do anything at all to actually exercise his mind in any way whatsoever. how is this a life? how is this going to keep him going in thirty years? if lung cancer or cirrhosis of the liver don't kill him before then. how am i supposed to build anything on this? and he won't talk. that's the worst thing. this morning i got a "don't remind me" and a "fine" as he went through the little alcohol-morning-after routine. that's all. that's all. i don't know. i feel completely lost. i don't know where the hell i'm supposed to go from here at all. how do i get through to him? how do i make him understand at all? how? i just don't know. jesus. i wish i knew.
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